How did I get out of the depression and feel re-born?

Until 21 year’s old, I don’t know what is happiness. My world just had two colors, black and gray. I can’t remember last time when do I really feel happy. I admire people who can do crazy things: go to bars, dance, take drugs, deviant behavior, do something I will never do. I dance like a robot, I go to the library every day, I am a top student in my university, I got every prize and awards I can get. I thought when I have everything, I will feel happy, but finally, I get depressed.

I cry every day. When I watch the blue sky, my tears drop down. I want to go to the top of a building and jump, just end my life. I got anxiety, I worried that the people I love are going to die. Yes, they are going to die, definitely. My parents, they raised me up and they were always there for me. I can’t think about they are going to leave me one day. I can’t accept it. They brought me to this world, and they will leave me alone here.

I can’t think about I am going to get old

One day, I will be like the old people in the street, walk slow, face filled with wrinkles, go to hospitals every second day. The worst thing is, I don’t know what is going to happen to me in the future. Cars can kill me, food can poison me, natural disasters can take away my life, illness, stress work…… I fight so hard every day, and I have to crawl till the end of the life.

Every day is unknown, challenge, obstacles, and problems come one by another. I fixed one, the next one is waiting for me. It seems the problem is getting more and more difficult. Similar like games, when you upgrade to the next level, the more difficult it gets. However, different from games, a game when you fail it, you can start again, but life, you can’t start. When you are on the ‘train’, it is not going to stop in the middle, just begin and end, unless, unless you end it by yourself–suicide. That’s the only self-control of the life, the ‘train’ you get. There are few people use this right, should I be one of them?

I start slowly realizing that life is not in my control

I absolutely have no control of life, I can just like a horse keeps work and walk till the end alone. There are many people surround me. This world is full of people, but it seems many people just trapped on their own island. We are so near to each other, but we can never reach each other.

It’s so sad that our parents give us life, but can’t teach us what is life. How should they know, they just live once like us. It is so sad that our friends and partner don’t understand us, how can they do, they even don’t understand themselves. How can I expect them to understand me? About others, they are fighting so hard for their everyday life, they have no time and no interest to hear about who you are and care about you. They want to climb on top of your head, other people’s head to get more resource, for themselves and for their family. That’s the reality of life. We are all trapped into a forest which is filled with smoke, and we have to find a way alone and walk to the death alone.

You look for the meaning of life, the sad news is there is no meaning of life. We just experience the life, everybody is free to quit and people who participate no matter what you have achieved, are all going to have the same ending.

Then it is important to think about if the ending is the same, why we have to experience so many tortures, frustrations, uncertainties and pains before we finish the game. People may say, life also has happiness and nice moments. Yes, but they are very short. Most of the time, we try so hard until we get to the happy moment. Yes, exactly at that point of the moment, we indeed feel happy but also sad. Because it is going to fly away, then your desire tells you there is another one is waiting. Happiness moments are like shooting stars. They exist there many years but just when they moved and fly away we start to realize that the happiness exists like it is never there.

After knowing all these essentials of life, a rational person would end of life.

But I am a coward, I feel there are still something I would like to experience. If life is meaningless, then Let’s have less burden and move on.

I have studied social science and psychology, luckily, I chose the two subjects. Everybody said there are useless to learn them. But at this moment, the two subjects inspire me to think deeper about myself, it leads me to get depression, it leads me to walk out of depression, it leads me to know myself better, it leads me to get stronger, it leads me to feel color!

One of a professor told me, people who think deeper about life, dig deeper about life are not protected by God. People who get protect will not think about these kinds of questions. Their life is composed of eat, sleep, work, shit, sex and kill time. Well, I don’t know whether I am a protected people or not, but his words always in my mind.

He is one of the experts who study suicide. Serval years later, when I met him again, he gets Parkinson’s disease, his wife slept with other man and wants to take his son away. He said to me, so ironically, a suicide expert wants to commit suicide now. He said before he always collects his data from other people’s experiences, but now, he just needs to observe himself and analyze himself. The most important is he knows better about this topic. He laughed like cry, and I, my eyes are filled with tears. Isn’t beautiful? It is another kind of beautiful. That’s the art of life. We can never know life, and never know what is going to happen.

I used theories and knowledge what I have learned to analyze myself

How do I get to this status, why do I feel unhappy, what happened to me? I know this moment does not come from yesterday, last month. It is a processing development, it accumulates every day. A professor from psychological filed, we both worked together to help me find a clue to know what happened to me.

Life is like a black box, you need a certain clue to make everything clear. Following the clue, I build my timeline. I tried very hard to remember what happened to me in the past years, since when I was young till now. My family, my friends, my experience, everything I can remember.

Many people when they get depressed, they believe psychologists can help them come out. However, it is partly true. The principle of psychology is to help patients to help themselves. So please don’t over depend on your psychological doctors. They have problems as well, but better than you, they have the knowledge to help them find the clue. You should get their knowledge to find your clue, your timeline, your memory by your own.

When you look back about your life. You can just remember certain moments. Your memory is not like a roll, it is pretty fragmented. That’s part of the reason that sometimes we get lost. You have to remember yourself slowly, it is also necessary to remember your dream. Your dreams help you to know yourself better. You can remember your dream better, when they are fresh. So when you dream of something, especially when you wake up, you should write down your dreams. There are some memories lost, right? You think so, actually, there are not. Why? Your dream is proof.

Our memories in day and night are different

In the daytime, there is a gatekeeper who supervise the door of your memory. It selects thoughts and ideas come into your mind. However, when in the night, it is less alert, the thoughts, memories, and ideas which are kept outside get a chance come to your mind. They are also part of you, and they are important parts of you. That’s why before the gatekeeper fully awake, you should write them down, that it can come in front in your mind and not keep outside anymore.

This period you have to try your best to get to know yourself. You might less active because you are diving so deep in your mind and life. Since then, you probably have different views about other people, you may think many people just live on the surface of life. Never mind, because it is indeed many people during their whole life just live in the surface, probably they are indeed protected by God.

When you have a bottle of impurity water, what are you going to do if you want to look through and divide the water into clear part and impurity elements part. You won’t shake it, right? Because it is going to make it worse. You will wait, make it still and wait. Yes, after you experience the emotional wave in your mind, how can you look through yourself, and know yourself better. You should wait, make yourself peaceful and keep a calm mind. It might take one month, one year, five years……it depends on your capability to help yourself to come outside of the depression mud.

What should you expect when you get out? You feel color of life. A re-born person! you won’t easily get sad, you won’t easily get happy as well. Most of the time you feel calm. Like nature.

Nature—the most reasonable concrete existence created by some powerful force. Nature is composed of so many objects, such as the ocean, forest, animals, plants, earth, rain, sun, moon, and so forth. We have day and night, warm and cold, sunny and rainy, desert and lake, we have different seasons, different species. Everything exists in nature is the shadow of nature itself.

Take human as an example, human have feelings, have emotion, have higher level needs, we regard ourselves as a perfect creature created by God. Sometimes we feel like a mass, everything brings trouble to us, we cannot handle our life, sometimes we could feel happy, even though this only a short experience in our life and support our life. But most of the time we feel boring, sorrow, desperation, disappointment, and even worse we want to commit to suicide.

Similarly, considering nature, the feeling we feel is exactly nature deduct to us. Storm, raining, hurricane, volcanic eruption, earthquake, etc, they are all emotions of nature, but how nature balances all these complicated subjects and emotions? That is calm.

Everything surrounds us is quiet and still

When nature experience its emotion period, like the day before hurricane destroy everything, the next day, we get sunrise again, the moon still embeds in the sky, everything goes on as nothing has happened. What I want to say is calm is the normal attitude no matter for nature or our human beings. When you want to schedule your regular work and life, then be calm.

When you feel calm in your heart, then you probably get out of the depression. Your heart from now on is protected by yourself.

Before we got birth, this planet and universe exit billion years, after we die, the planet and universe still there probably for billion years. Our short life compared to the universe is nothing, we can also say the chance we come to this world is an accidental event, because of most of the time, we are not here. It is normal that we don’t exist and it is abnormal we shortly come to this world and can feel it. After 100 hundred years, everybody you see now will die. So, enjoy your trip and take this chance, because you will leave soon, and the world still runs.

Is a rational decision to have children?—- A little thinking about Antinatalism

Since long, I am thinking whether it is a rational decision to have children. I know life is not a rational thing, can’t use rational and logic to plan the life. In my age, many people got married and have children. Their life is surrounded by their children. After women older than 40, it is not easy to have children. So, most of the women have to decide whether they want to have children. If they want to have, the earlier the better. The thing is: do they really seriously think about to have a baby before we start to have a baby.

When Children are young, they need a lot of care, a mother or a father has to spend more time with them, which means one side have to scarify their time, their career for the child. Children are easily getting sick and need a lot of care and attention. You compare with other people; your children compare with their counterparts as well. They want to have everything, and you, you can’t give everything to them. You want your children to get the best thing, good education, decent behavior and the most important to be a good human being. However, sometimes, even we did everything, but the result is decided by God.

Till now, I still don’t know what is life. Life for me is like a long trip, a trip is composed of many difficulties and loneliness. I fight very hard to achieve what I want to be and to have. Probably, it is not worth to fight so hard for the life you want to have, however, time is there, have to do something to fill all the time. I am struggling to fill my desire. When I have 10.000, I want to have 100.000. When I get 100.000 I want to have a million. I have to resolve different obstacles, and it always follows new and more difficult than another.

Life is like a trade

When you want something, you have to give something. When I decided to leave my country to explore the world, I have to separate with my family and friends. When I want to eat sweets, I have to give my slim figure away. I get what I want, I also give what I used to have. Life is like a deal, it starts since we born. I made so many trades till now and to have children is also a trade, however, whether to have children is not just a trade, because it is a trade which going to accompany rest of your life since the baby is born.

Every trade has risks, and to have children such a big thing for everybody, ‘risk’ is not appropriate word anymore. If a child is healthy and good, it might be easier, because of we might spend time, invest energy and love to them for around 20 years, when they become adult and independent, we are relatively free. However, what about a child has illness and not decent, rebel, anti-society, we might bring a monster to the world. It means, after we cultivate them become adults, we are going to worry and struggle for the rest of the life. People may say, how your children are decided by how you cultivate them. That’s partly true. However, during the period a baby grow into an adult, people they meet, what do they think, how do they feel about this world are not decided by us. We can’t even guarantee our life, uncertain about our future, how can we say that we can make our children better.

I asked my parents whether they regret to have us

They said no, but if I look at them, almost 70 years old, they still have to take care of my brother’s children. My brother doesn’t appreciate it at all and takes it as a grant that what my parents do for him. He takes over everything that they have, their house, their money, and their time. My parents lent some money from my sister and my sister asks them to pay back. She forgets how much time and money my parents spend on her, gave her food, brought her to a university, gave her support, find a job for her, and when my parents get sick, she even feels annoyed to take care of them. I, I am even worse. After 17 years’ old, I went to another city to study, so many years, I just return to home one month per year, they miss me I know. I also know, they don’t have so much time left. I can’t think about one day they are going to leave me. However, go back home one month per year, that’s maximum I can do. Yes, I am selfish, and I know they deserve more, it is really unfair. They are good parents, but they made a bad deal with life.

My boyfriend, his mother has a different political opinion with him. I still remember, that Christmas day, he jumped with an angry face and walked away. Left the poor woman had a Christmas without children. She married someone when she around 20, more than three decades, she invested so much time for the family and her children. The society and husband labeled her should stay home, take care of children, go to church, worked in the kitchen. In the end, she lost her husband and the same year she lost one of her sons. She lied in the bed every day and ask God to take her away, I am imaging if she did not think about other people so much and think a bit more about herself, is life will be different?

People can argue it is human’s instinct to have babies

However, I believe many people when they have their baby, they lack deep thought about what does life mean for them. Many women just accidentally have pregnant and have babies. We are so young to know what is life in 20 or 30. When I am sitting in a bus, train, tram, nearby streets, and watch people’s face, most of the people’s faces suggest that they have been tortured so long by their own universe, they are not happy. They have no emotion, but numb faces. Is this world filled with happiness? I doubt.

I like to ask people why they want to have children. most of the common answer is they did not think that much at that time. I also asked people who don’t have children do they feel regret. They told me, most of the time, not. But during Christmas, they imagine that the house may look different when they have children. The older they get, they feel more afraid. They want someone who cares about them, and can call them regularly. It is good to feel that someone still care about them and remember them.

Yes, we are so pathetic creatures that our destinies are the same that we are going to leave the world as a dust like we have never been here. No one wants to be forgotten by the world. At the end of life, if you know something about you, part of your cells, your blood, your creature still leaves on this world, maybe we feel better, however, who knows? Maybe we feel regret to bring these creatures to the world.

Sometimes, I think they are so many people in this world. So many people so evil, less educated, poor, sickness, etc. these people can have so many babies, why I am a healthy, smart, good educated woman doesn’t bring a baby to this world. Why?!

When we think about children, we always think about a pure and angel baby, and less think about a rebel and troublemaker adolescent. The common value from this world builds us a perfect picture which more like a religion: a mother, a father, a family and children. If you don’t follow this model, it means you are different, you are not fully accepted by society. People who join this religion will judges you. Because they already have children and no way to step back. The rules of religion do not accept they abandon their children, even don’t accept that they are not nice to their children. They have to give everything they have to their children, and people belong to this religious group even make a consent of panegyric that it is so great when parents love their children more than their own life. Parents invest so much for their children and they should not ask anything back, they should just give and give. The young men and women still join the group continuously and brainwashed by the religions and believe children can bring their life better, happier without question the values grow deeply in their head. They forget life is a black hole, they can’t count on anyone.