This is a world easier to accept success than failure. Here I want to share some failure experience of my anger control.
I know I failed to control my anger. I am very angry, it is not his fault, the emotion just comes to my head. The old memory which bears inside my heart, laughing loudly, like an evil unable to hold itself back, urgently to show its power and jump outside.
I lost control of it, it controlled me. My eyes burn angry flame and I wanted to destroy everything I can see. At this moment, it was kind of released and happy. I felt the furious wild with joy, and delighted to see my angry initiated other people’s emotional uncomfortable. It was like set a fire in a house and hope the fire can get bigger and bigger. The best is other people get scared or angry at the same level. Then I might have more opportunities to release this wild evil and let it out for a bit longer time.
Since long time, I realize I might have a problem to control angry. I read many books to against angry, but considering today’s experience it seems doesn’t work very well. I failed to control it again. He was very nice and immediately controlled the situation and did not let the evil developed.
During the dinner, my tears could not stop, same emotion, similar circumstance happened many years ago. It happened long ago that when I have clear consciousness, I can’t even feel and remember it.
It happened when I was 12 years old. My brother returned back to home. He lived in another city, and decided to live with my parents. Since then, the family loss of the meaning. My parents always fight with each other, I get tired of to be their moderator and make peace to both sides. The worst is they can have cold war for months, half years, years. They said they wanted to devoice many times, but they always did not.
I am mature than people in my age, mature is nice when you don’t find what makes people mature: pains and frustrate. When life is hard, it makes people mature.
When my brother came back and decided to live together with my parents, the disharmonious family became a war disaster. I was very young and had no power to change anything. My justice and believe encouraged me to fight. But what I got is slap, beat, abuse, and again and again.
I don’t know whether my parents are good or bad parents. They give me food, support me to study and now I decided to stay abroad, they agree. I haven’t married yet, they don’t give me pressure. I find a foreigner, they respect my decision. Beside them, I don’t know who will love me more than them.
However, when my brother beat me, they did not protect me, I could not build my security sense because they give me such a horrible grow environment. Many times, I was so scared at home, home in my head is not sweet, warm, happy. It is dark, cold, and hurt. Until now, I can’t trust, always afraid and hesitate, however, they still don’t realize what they have done for their children. Many many times, I cried like today, eating at the same time crying.
Today, I have seen me when I around 12 years. I feel so helpless and don’t know what to do. Suddenly, old memories flushed into my head, it was so hurt! I saw that little girl cries but don’t dare loud, sobs silently, and ate her food. The world is silently, she can hear the clock, Dida Dida …… Everyday, she afraid of her brother got drunk, and fought with his wife, quarreled with parents, smashed furniture, and beat his children.
I want to be far away from this family that I become the black sheep of the family. I studied very hard and want to have my life and have no relation with them. But the past memory, the hurt, the anger which in the past did not get chance released tortures me time to time. It looks for a hole to come outside, it looks for every opportunitiy to jump out and show the hideous face to me. I feel ashamed that I copied them somehow and another side of me want to become them. I don’t want!
Not every parent deserves to be parent. I wish it is nice if I have never come to this world! The society is sick, it does not control and teach how parents can be good parents, but encourage unqualified parents have babies, and longer, you asked there are more good people or more bad people in this world?