Until 21 year’s old, I don’t know what is happiness. My world just had two colors, black and gray. I can’t remember last time when do I really feel happy. I admire people who can do crazy things: go to bars, dance, take drugs, deviant behavior, do something I will never do. I dance like a robot, I go to the library every day, I am a top student in my university, I got every prize and awards I can get. I thought when I have everything, I will feel happy, but finally, I get depressed.
I cry every day. When I watch the blue sky, my tears drop down. I want to go to the top of a building and jump, just end my life. I got anxiety, I worried that the people I love are going to die. Yes, they are going to die, definitely. My parents, they raised me up and they were always there for me. I can’t think about they are going to leave me one day. I can’t accept it. They brought me to this world, and they will leave me alone here.
I can’t think about I am going to get old
One day, I will be like the old people in the street, walk slow, face filled with wrinkles, go to hospitals every second day. The worst thing is, I don’t know what is going to happen to me in the future. Cars can kill me, food can poison me, natural disasters can take away my life, illness, stress work…… I fight so hard every day, and I have to crawl till the end of the life.
Every day is unknown, challenge, obstacles, and problems come one by another. I fixed one, the next one is waiting for me. It seems the problem is getting more and more difficult. Similar like games, when you upgrade to the next level, the more difficult it gets. However, different from games, a game when you fail it, you can start again, but life, you can’t start. When you are on the ‘train’, it is not going to stop in the middle, just begin and end, unless, unless you end it by yourself–suicide. That’s the only self-control of the life, the ‘train’ you get. There are few people use this right, should I be one of them?
I start slowly realizing that life is not in my control
I absolutely have no control of life, I can just like a horse keeps work and walk till the end alone. There are many people surround me. This world is full of people, but it seems many people just trapped on their own island. We are so near to each other, but we can never reach each other.
It’s so sad that our parents give us life, but can’t teach us what is life. How should they know, they just live once like us. It is so sad that our friends and partner don’t understand us, how can they do, they even don’t understand themselves. How can I expect them to understand me? About others, they are fighting so hard for their everyday life, they have no time and no interest to hear about who you are and care about you. They want to climb on top of your head, other people’s head to get more resource, for themselves and for their family. That’s the reality of life. We are all trapped into a forest which is filled with smoke, and we have to find a way alone and walk to the death alone.
You look for the meaning of life, the sad news is there is no meaning of life. We just experience the life, everybody is free to quit and people who participate no matter what you have achieved, are all going to have the same ending.
Then it is important to think about if the ending is the same, why we have to experience so many tortures, frustrations, uncertainties and pains before we finish the game. People may say, life also has happiness and nice moments. Yes, but they are very short. Most of the time, we try so hard until we get to the happy moment. Yes, exactly at that point of the moment, we indeed feel happy but also sad. Because it is going to fly away, then your desire tells you there is another one is waiting. Happiness moments are like shooting stars. They exist there many years but just when they moved and fly away we start to realize that the happiness exists like it is never there.
After knowing all these essentials of life, a rational person would end of life.
But I am a coward, I feel there are still something I would like to experience. If life is meaningless, then Let’s have less burden and move on.
I have studied social science and psychology, luckily, I chose the two subjects. Everybody said there are useless to learn them. But at this moment, the two subjects inspire me to think deeper about myself, it leads me to get depression, it leads me to walk out of depression, it leads me to know myself better, it leads me to get stronger, it leads me to feel color!
One of a professor told me, people who think deeper about life, dig deeper about life are not protected by God. People who get protect will not think about these kinds of questions. Their life is composed of eat, sleep, work, shit, sex and kill time. Well, I don’t know whether I am a protected people or not, but his words always in my mind.
He is one of the experts who study suicide. Serval years later, when I met him again, he gets Parkinson’s disease, his wife slept with other man and wants to take his son away. He said to me, so ironically, a suicide expert wants to commit suicide now. He said before he always collects his data from other people’s experiences, but now, he just needs to observe himself and analyze himself. The most important is he knows better about this topic. He laughed like cry, and I, my eyes are filled with tears. Isn’t beautiful? It is another kind of beautiful. That’s the art of life. We can never know life, and never know what is going to happen.
I used theories and knowledge what I have learned to analyze myself
How do I get to this status, why do I feel unhappy, what happened to me? I know this moment does not come from yesterday, last month. It is a processing development, it accumulates every day. A professor from psychological filed, we both worked together to help me find a clue to know what happened to me.
Life is like a black box, you need a certain clue to make everything clear. Following the clue, I build my timeline. I tried very hard to remember what happened to me in the past years, since when I was young till now. My family, my friends, my experience, everything I can remember.
Many people when they get depressed, they believe psychologists can help them come out. However, it is partly true. The principle of psychology is to help patients to help themselves. So please don’t over depend on your psychological doctors. They have problems as well, but better than you, they have the knowledge to help them find the clue. You should get their knowledge to find your clue, your timeline, your memory by your own.
When you look back about your life. You can just remember certain moments. Your memory is not like a roll, it is pretty fragmented. That’s part of the reason that sometimes we get lost. You have to remember yourself slowly, it is also necessary to remember your dream. Your dreams help you to know yourself better. You can remember your dream better, when they are fresh. So when you dream of something, especially when you wake up, you should write down your dreams. There are some memories lost, right? You think so, actually, there are not. Why? Your dream is proof.
Our memories in day and night are different
In the daytime, there is a gatekeeper who supervise the door of your memory. It selects thoughts and ideas come into your mind. However, when in the night, it is less alert, the thoughts, memories, and ideas which are kept outside get a chance come to your mind. They are also part of you, and they are important parts of you. That’s why before the gatekeeper fully awake, you should write them down, that it can come in front in your mind and not keep outside anymore.
This period you have to try your best to get to know yourself. You might less active because you are diving so deep in your mind and life. Since then, you probably have different views about other people, you may think many people just live on the surface of life. Never mind, because it is indeed many people during their whole life just live in the surface, probably they are indeed protected by God.
When you have a bottle of impurity water, what are you going to do if you want to look through and divide the water into clear part and impurity elements part. You won’t shake it, right? Because it is going to make it worse. You will wait, make it still and wait. Yes, after you experience the emotional wave in your mind, how can you look through yourself, and know yourself better. You should wait, make yourself peaceful and keep a calm mind. It might take one month, one year, five years……it depends on your capability to help yourself to come outside of the depression mud.
What should you expect when you get out? You feel color of life. A re-born person! you won’t easily get sad, you won’t easily get happy as well. Most of the time you feel calm. Like nature.
Nature—the most reasonable concrete existence created by some powerful force. Nature is composed of so many objects, such as the ocean, forest, animals, plants, earth, rain, sun, moon, and so forth. We have day and night, warm and cold, sunny and rainy, desert and lake, we have different seasons, different species. Everything exists in nature is the shadow of nature itself.
Take human as an example, human have feelings, have emotion, have higher level needs, we regard ourselves as a perfect creature created by God. Sometimes we feel like a mass, everything brings trouble to us, we cannot handle our life, sometimes we could feel happy, even though this only a short experience in our life and support our life. But most of the time we feel boring, sorrow, desperation, disappointment, and even worse we want to commit to suicide.
Similarly, considering nature, the feeling we feel is exactly nature deduct to us. Storm, raining, hurricane, volcanic eruption, earthquake, etc, they are all emotions of nature, but how nature balances all these complicated subjects and emotions? That is calm.
Everything surrounds us is quiet and still
When nature experience its emotion period, like the day before hurricane destroy everything, the next day, we get sunrise again, the moon still embeds in the sky, everything goes on as nothing has happened. What I want to say is calm is the normal attitude no matter for nature or our human beings. When you want to schedule your regular work and life, then be calm.
When you feel calm in your heart, then you probably get out of the depression. Your heart from now on is protected by yourself.
Before we got birth, this planet and universe exit billion years, after we die, the planet and universe still there probably for billion years. Our short life compared to the universe is nothing, we can also say the chance we come to this world is an accidental event, because of most of the time, we are not here. It is normal that we don’t exist and it is abnormal we shortly come to this world and can feel it. After 100 hundred years, everybody you see now will die. So, enjoy your trip and take this chance, because you will leave soon, and the world still runs.